Friday, April 4, 2008

Adjusting to the new me!

For some reason I never thought that it would be difficult for me to adjust to my "new" appearance. However, I am shocked when I see myself in photos, or if I'm walking by a mirror/window and catch a full body view. Being able to actually see my collar bones has been another HUGE thing for me. I know how much the number on the scale has gone down, but actually seeing myself thinner is so difficult. I'm so accustomed to seeing the GIGANTIC thighs and bulging stomach that it almost doesn't look like me anymore. It took me years to accept the fact that I was as large as I was, and now that I'm going back down, I don't know how to deal with that either. It's like a different person is looking back at me. Don't get me wrong I never want to see those 57 pounds again, but I haven't seen this woman in so long, she's like a stranger to me. I honestly can't remember the last time I was this size. I've been trying to remember my weight at different stages of my life, but the truth is, I never paid this much attention to it b/c in my mind I was slim and trim. Even when I broke the 200 mark I still felt attractive so I don't have any significant memories of the way I looked or felt. It wasn't until I was squeezing into a size 18 trying desparately not to go up to a 20 that I realized I needed to make a change. At that moment I began to see myself as I really was.....FAT! I was fat, round, out of shape, and uncomfortable in my own skin. Though that realization only took place a few months ago, I programmed myself as fat, and now that I'm not AS fat, I can't wrap my mind around that concept. I feel like I look weird when I see myself in mirrors. Like it's a trick mirror and I'm really fatter than my reflection looks. I spent 5 minutes staring at myself with my breakfast plate in my hand this morning because I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and my stomach was almost completely flat. I kept pushing it trying to make sure I wasn't subconsciously holding it in. Has anyone else gone through this? SURELY I can't be the only one. How did you get past it?

1 comment:

Karen said...

What you wrote, certainly strikes a chord with me. For a long time I would bang into things,misjudge my width and the width of a chair, etc, etc, simply because in my mind I was slimmer. Talk about refusing to face up to reality!! Finally, I had to admit to myself that I had a problem. When I lost the 50 lbs, two years ago, I went from being an 'invisible' person to a 'visible' one. I started getting compliments, people noticed me and it completely derailed me. I wasn't prepared for it. i was also having problems getting used to the image I saw in the mirror. It just didn't look like what I perceived myself to be. I'd gone from thinking of myself as slim to seeing myself as fat and I was having trouble reversing that. I went and talked to a counselor and I realised that being overweight was a way of protecting and comforting myself, especially during the difficult periods in my life. I also realised, that because of messages I'd received in the past, I really felt that I didn't deserve to be slim. It was one of the reasons that I was still seeing that fat person in the mirror. I'm now feeling good about losing weight again and so far it's going well. It sounds hokey, but at the moment I'm doing a lot of telling myself that I really deserve this and that I'm okay. It's working. Hope all this makes sense!! You should be really proud of yourself as you are really doing well.