Sunday, March 16, 2008

50 Total Pounds Lost!

In exactly 16 weeks I have lost a total of 50 pounds!
I find that utterly amazing!!! That is such a HUGE accomplishment. I see a little difference when I look in the mirror, but I see the biggest difference in my photos. My face has shrank so much, I actually look like a different person! I look at how round it was just last summer and the difference is remarkable. There is a little voice in my head telling me that I am losing the weight too fast, so I am constantly examining my food choices and eating habits. I am very "aware" of the dangers that can come along with obsessing over weight loss. But I realized I am not obsessing. I am finally doing what I have needed to do for years, getting off of my lazy seat of do nothing and getting back into shape! There is no excuse for me at 5'2" to weigh 240lbs. That is way too much weight for a person my height! I got winded easily, my legs would hurt if I tried to go for a walk, my feet hurt from wearing heels at work (something which never bothered me when I was thinner), I was rapidly out growing everything I owned, and I was self-conscious when my husband wrapped his arms around me at night. All these things are reasons I NEED to lose weight. This was not a superficial ten pounds here, this was ONE HUNDRED AND TEN POUNDS!!! I think the voice that tells me I'm over doing it, or that I can eat chocolate if I want is the same voice that kept me obese! Don't get me wrong I know theoretically I can eat chocolate (as a matter of fact, I had a little yesterday), but I also know myself better than anyone else. And when I'm completely honest with myself I admit that I eat for comfort. Long day at work, let's go to dinner and eat way too much. Stressed out, let's go buy a Big Kat and a bag chips, and eat them back to back. Busy lifestyle, that's ok, just pick up some greasy fast food on your way to work. I would go to Subway to get dinner for the family, buy 4 cookies for myself and eat two on the way home so my husband would not see me eat 4 cookies at a time. (I can't believe I just admitted that) As a matter of fact, I've been "sneaking" and eating for as long as I can remember. I would buy something I knew was bad, and eat it when no one else could see me, not b/c of what I was eating, but b/c of how MUCH I was eating. I remember once about 8 years ago I bought two packs of those break and bake cookies. I think there were like 24 cookies in the pack. I made a batch of 12 and ate the entire batch. I just couldn't stop eating them. Then I realized my husband (now my ex-husband) was going to realize I'd eaten them all, so I quickly baked another batch before he came home from work, and actually ate almost half of those. When he came home, he was shocked I'd eaten almost half the batch. Then he realized I'd cooked a whole pack and looked at me mortified when he discovered how many I'd eaten. So I lied, and told him I burned the entire first batch. I just couldn't admit I hadn't eaten that much. And now that I am typing this I finally realize that I had a problem with binging!!! What an epiphany!!!! I always associated binging with what I saw on T.V. in E.D. movies. A woman hiding in the bathroom with enough junk food to feed 20 people, excitedly stuffing her face, and then purging to get rid of it all. And while that is definitely a binge, so is secretly over eating and then lying about it! Wow, I've been reading other people's blogs about the "why", but it's so different when you discover your own. I grew to 110 pounds overweight b/c I love to eat. I knew it was too much, which is why I did it in private, but that didn't stop me.

I wonder "how" I stopped? I guess it was just getting honest with myself. But I have prayed for self control for years, so maybe God granted my request. I am very proud of my food choices now, so I don't "sneak and eat" anymore. If I have a treat, its only a small one, so I eat it in plain sight. I don't even buy junk food. Since I started tracking my food on-line, and seeing just how many calories were in the foods I was eating, it has gotten soooooo much easier to make wise food choices. It's just not worth it. Nothing has ever tasted as good as loosing weight feels! This has been and still is one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. I feel confident in myself and proud of my progress! I have dreamed of loosing weight for so long that now that its here, I will never go back to the way I was! I will never again weigh 200 pounds or higher! I am 60 pounds from my goal weight, and I am more motivated and dedicated than ever to get there. I have learned the importance of portion control and moderation and both have literally saved my life. Today I am a new woman. I am preparing to enter the second half of this weight loss journey with my eyes on the prize! A few more months of losing and a lifetime of maintaining!!!

This comparison pic shows how much smaller my face has gotten. They are both I.D. card photos. The one of the left was taken September 06, and the one on the right is from March 08.

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